Yesterday’s talk about rare earth elements reminded me of a talk worth resurrecting considering what’s been happening south of us since the U.S. federal election. It’s about “governmentium”, the heaviest element yet known to science. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 23 deputy neutrons, 100 assistant neutrons, and 435 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 559. These 559 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles without quarks called peons. Since governmentium has no protons or electrons it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes a reaction to take a year to complete when it would normally take less than a week. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but rather undergoes reorganization. Deputy neutrons are replaced at random and every two years half of the assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons may be replaced. Governmentium’s mass can fluctuate over time since reorganization can cause peons to become morons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of peon promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration and catalyze the atomic mass with money, forming a critical morass that collapses under its own weight.
That’s Coffeetalk. I’m Vic Dubois.